Tuesday, November 29th

Dad was in a pretty silly mood last night. I heard him shuffling around and followed him into the kitchen. He was looking for something and cussing up a storm. I couldn't help but laugh because my father doesn't normally swear like that. He saw me come in and apologized. I said, "It doesn't bother me, dad, didn't you know your daughter was a sailor?" He responded, "My daughter is in the F***ing Navy?" Now how can you not laugh at that!
He was complaining that his back was itchy. Mom keeps lotion at hand to make sure he is comfortable.
I remembered seeing this telescopic back scratcher somewhere before. He had duct taped a sharpie pen to the end. When I asked him why he did this, he took the lid off and drew on Brody's nose with the pole fully extended. Poor guy was just as confused as I was...haha
We finally found it and dad happily allowed me to scratch his back. (After the removal of the sharpie marker and having used his gerber pliers to bend the prongs into the right position) Dad started complaining about gas pain in his tummy, so I told him what my friend had told me that you lay on your left side and it will relieve it. All I can say is I should have known better than to have left the room. I hear a loud bang noise and mom says dad fell again. I come back in the room and apparently he wanted to lay on the floor, so he just let himself fall out of the chair and lay on the floor so he could be on his left side. We have to remind him that he can tell us what he's doing or even ask for a little assistance. Within minutes he yells, "Look out it's coming!" and is scrambling to his feet. We help him up and he shuffles as fast as he can to the bathroom.  He comes back to his chair, gets up and is mumbling about finding the back scratcher again. I follow him to the bathroom looking around for it. By this time I am laughing uncontrollably, he asks me to stop laughing at him. I tell him it is not him, I just make myself laugh. I finally spotted it in the trash can and brought it to him.
He was having a nice time talking to mom and I about different things. All of a sudden he is trying to think of a comedian.."you know, Allen" "Tim Allen?" "no..you know Allen." Allen Thicke, Allan Alda?" "no..you know what's that comedian that came out of the watermelon?" Again, my laughter returns...no idea what funny allen came from a melon.
Tammy, my brother's girlfriend, brought over a twin mattress I was able to put on the cot for mom. They seemed to be set.
I went over to my brother's house and stayed up pretty late. I woke up at 7 am though and came downstairs for the usual morning coffee routine. I heard that familiar shuffling of feet heading my way. My dad is standing there with no cane with a look of surprise on his face. "Whatcha doin Dad?" I ask. He replies, "Is that you honking?" Immediately I feel the giggle rising in my chest. "Honking?" "Yea, someone's going around honking their horn in the house." I just helped him turn around and suggested he go back to sleep. He saw my mom and said softly, "Aww Connie is still asleep. Yea, I think I'll lay back down for a bit."
About 10 o'clock my eyes started burning from the lack of sleep..nobody had stirred in the parents room, so I went and took a nap. Of course when I get up my mom says dad was up the entire time. He hasn't eaten yet today and just seems very tired.

Yesterday mom and I were talking and she brought up how hard it is to accept some of the changes that are arising. She realized how now when things happen she has no one to share it with. Something funny or worrisome she would always go straight to my dad, her confidante, best friend, partner in life. Now she has to see if he even understands what she is saying or explaining it to where it no longer makes sense. It breaks my heart for them. Dad gets gruff with her when he is trying to explain something that she doesn't understand. What you can not mistake however, is the look of love in their eyes, recognition of their other half before them, and the softness both of their faces hold in a brief moment of time. How lucky for me to see.

I had a dream a few months ago that I was kind of a fly on the wall in my parents house. My dad had passed away and my mom was walking around the empty house trying to figure out what to do, she just went back to bed. I had the worst weight of sadness when I woke up. I have had many vivid dreams, my subconcious trying to make sense out of my feelings and worries. I've dreamt of his obituary. I have seen him in a coffin, but his face that of when he was probably 40. I had another where he was just about to die and I was across town with no car, extreme wind, and a parade, trying to remember how to get back. When I got there everyone was there but me.

I need to find an opportunity soon when dad is awake and cognitive so we can finish his paperwork. He told me on Thanksgiving its been bugging him and he knows he has been procrastinating, aren't we all. We will see how tonight goes after sleeping all day, or maybe tomorrow.