Wednesday, November 30th

After yesterday, I was pleasantly surprised to see my dad so alert today! He woke up this morning and immediately requested pudding. I went to the fridge and brought him a cup of tapioca and a spoon. Thinking hard, he looked at it and then me and said, "No. I want the big bowl of chocolate pudding, you know, the stuff your mom makes." He had finished that yesterday. "Big bowl..big bowl", he keeps repeating. He agrees to wait a little while so mom can make some more.
He asked for my mom to come in and help him get up. She obliged happily. So as not to embarrass either of them, I will just say he is as frisky as ever and I left the room laughing. Crazy kids! Some things never change! :)
Dad was pretty happy today, sitting in his chair, watching t.v., making conversation. He napped on and off between his hospital bed and his chair.
We decided since everyone would be up today, we would celebrate his birthday, which is tomorrow, December 1st. So I took the opportunity to get out of the house for a little while. Mom had it covered.
I did not realize how much I needed some fresh air. As soon as I got in the car, I turned on my music (and for those of you who know me well, it has to be nice and loud), rolled down the window, and hit the streets of Clay Center. Those of you who know Clay Center know that it only took five minutes to get across town..so I went back and forth through uncontrolled intersections and a little roadwork a few times before hitting the stores.
My list contained simple items; pudding, milk, etc.. But I was in charge of getting a few gifts and a cake for my dad's celebration. Easy, right? That's what I thought, too. I went to the first store, list in hand, ready to find my dad a gift. He has always been kind of easy to shop for, although it's gotten harder over the years for a guy who has everything! Then it hit me. What do I get a man who is hardly mobile, has a limited diet, sleeps most of the time, and tries his best to stay awake and alert in conversation? Oh, my God...what could I possibly get my dying father for his birthday? It hit like somebody punched me in the stomach. Then I became aware of the Christmas music playing over the store speakers. I became aware of all the decorations and crappy festive crap they sell this time of year. I started getting irritable and angry. I bought myself a t-shirt that was on clearance. I thought my dad might like it, but it didn't have a pocket (he likes it for his hankies), so for $7 I have a Jesse James shirt.
Then I went to another store. I really thought something would stand out and call my name. Again, I found myself surround by horrible Christmas Muzak, cheesy decorations, a flood of people in camouflage, and a friendly enough elderly lady asking if I needed help finding something. It came out of my mouth, "Tomorrow is my dad's birthday, and I need to find a gift. He has end stage pancreatic cancer." Poor lady...she said, "Yes that is hard." She rang me up in silence. I respected that silence.
Finally, I ended up at the grocery store. A nice man held the door open for me, I grabbed a cart, tried to find my bearings in the store, found the pudding aisle....and all of a sudden, just lost it. I tried to fight the tears back, I mean for God's sake, who cries over pudding!? I couldn't help it, they came. I do not carry tissue (although I should probably start), so my sleeve was my best friend. I wiped the tears as I grabbed milk, trying to avoid eye contact with other store patrons. I ended up in the frozen food section, no one around, talking out loud to myself to get it together, just stop it. The more I tried to stop, the worse it got. All I could think about is this is the last time I will buy a cake for my dad, the last time we sing happy birthday to him. What do I do? Do I buy him a spectacular cake, he can't eat it anyway. I was at a loss!! I finally found my way to the deli counter and asked if they had birthday cakes. Mind you, this is while trying to keep a steady voice, tears escaping my eyes, and me wiping at them like I'm the only one that can see them. She points to the very obvious freezer that says CAKES right on it. I take some deep breaths, pick out the best one I can find, and return to the deli counter to have it personalized. Again, my damn brain takes over with those maybe 20 steps from freezer to counter. What do you write on someone's cake when it's their last birthday? Happy Birthday, It's been fun, good luck, love you, save us a seat? I know it sounds sarcastic and maybe a little twisted, but this is what my mind does to me..imagine being in MY head! So once again, the dam burst and I'm trying to articulate something to the bakery lady. I finally muster something to the effect that it's my dad's last birthday and I need it to say...something. I felt compelled to explain myself because of my odd behavior! She wasn't as understanding..so still swiping away at my face I tell her just write Happy 65th Birthday. She complied.
I ended up buying a few mylar balloons. I couldn't remember ever having bought him balloons. I found a cap gun..who doesn't love a cap gun? Mom had suggested getting him food. I did find two packages of cookies I thought he might like.
Upon checking out, I was reminded of the time I went grocery shopping with dad and had that "feeling" to buy a scratch ticket. I normally don't buy those. He suggested buying $10 worth. So he let me pick them out and when we got in the car we eagerly began scratching with our coins. I didn't get anything. Dad asks me to look at his and see if he won. Are you kidding me!? He won $4,000!!! Off a dollar scratch ticket! That was awesome! I went in with him so the lady could scan it because he didn't believe me. Sure enough, she verified it and he had to go to Topeka to collect his winnings. So I went to the customer service desk and bought him some scratch tickets..for old times sake.
Tammy, Scott's girlfriend, went to the store and picked up a chicken dinner so we didn't have to cook. Poor dad thought he could at least have the sides, but everything tasted too bitter to him. So he ate a roll. We ate dinner and surprised him with his gifts. His best friend, Don Burton and his wife Nancy, sent him a care package full of goodies. He was thrilled of course! Then he opened the gifts we had picked out for him. Scott and Tammy got him new handkerchiefs (he loves those). I could tell which cookies he liked, he set one pack by him and offered the other ones for everyone to share. :) Then he saw the scratch tickets, got his glasses on, asked for his pocket knife (he's retired Special Forces, he's not going to use a coin, would Rambo?), and began scratching away. I think he got two done before he tuckered out. He said he'd finish the rest later.
We lit the candles for his cake, sang happy birthday, and watched him blow out every one! He tasted the cake, and it just didn't taste good to him. He said he was tired and he went down for a nap. A few hours later he got up and watched a movie. I hear him right now brushing his teeth. Funny how one day he barely moves, then the next he has this energy and can move around the house with little help. I told him to be careful coming out of the bathroom because he chose the harder route. He answered, "That's what they just said." Hmm?? "Who's that Dad? Was it Mom?" "No, it was that other person back there." He stops and looks at me, "I love you babe." "I love you too, Dad!" "Thanks for coming to visit today." "You're welcome, I had fun!" Guess he didn't remember I have been staying here every day.
Today was a very emotionally draining day. It made me thankful to be here and have the opportunity to celebrate one more birthday with my dad, especially with all the family here. Not many will understand this, but I don't know what I would have done today without the love of horses!